[date Sat, Dec 31, 2011 at 2:32 PM]
2011 has been.
At my advanced 60+ year outpost, I send the following greeting to the coming year –
Whoa, 2012, you sonnova bitch!
Time is accelerating my perception. The days and months are speeding by……. even the cold ones!
From the outside, it most probably resembles this –
Days and weeks go by, yet my power to procrastinate overwhelms all. Not mental gridlock. More like tectonic plate physics.
This is the best I can come up with –
That doesn’t seem right. More time on the Internet. Finally, some results I can believe in!
A chicken has the answer. Who woulda thunk?
Oh! Well! That makes everything OK!
Kinda turns your world upside down to think that the years are fleeting due to some insane multiplication constant. Except you can’t multiply by zero, or infinity……
So much for logic.
If you’re feeling at all like me (more content, happier, healthy, and mostly confused), it is time to re-assess. Perhaps a new perspective?
As the walrus almost said, what is the nature of your nurture? More decidedly, the reflexion of the year must lead to the PC “opportunities for improvement”.
Indeed, time to make some slight modifications to ensure the next 12 months is as fun as the past 12.
Or funner. I could only wish for funnerest……………
Time to take a new look at life, and see what can be seen –
Like most well intentioned New Year’s resolvers, mine will be an exercise in donning a clever new guise, same as the old guise.
The objective? How to get to a better me, and a better life, and a better world.
The Strategy: After intense reflexion and internal scrutiny, the best I can come up with is LSHMSFOAIDMT. Reference below –
I care less what the Chinese Year is –
The Drovarian calendar says it is the year of Laughter –
I had intended to list the books I’ve read this year, the goals I’ve attained, the victories (and the defeats), the web sites that have tickled my fancy, the wisdom won, ad nauseum.
Won’t we all be relieved that I have now no intention of doing so. Instead, I’ll keep it all to myself.
I wish everyone a most successful, prosperous, healthy, fecund (as applicable or desired),
challenging, entertaining, nurturing, fulfilling, fruitful, and satisfying (………your needs here)
A few New Year’s Eve gifts for all y’all.
A short video which explains everything you need to know about living your life. Mandatory viewing:
Or, Winston Churchill “Never, never, never give up!”
Amen, and pass the ammo.
If you are intent on celebrating the birth of 2012 (and who(m) isn’t?), here is some excellent advice from Toby Keith:
A red solo cup is versatile and indispensable…..
And if you celebrate a little too much, like this little fella. (Some of us old guys are closer to the wrong part of this than the other…..) –
There is hope for you Mister!
First step, identify the cause of your malaise:
You may feel like this –
Or this –
Or even this –
It may even loosen your moral foundation gimbals – example of extreme “tumbled moral gyro” pictured below –
Do not despair! There is help, and hope, and a cure!
Get wet. Drink a bunch of water and flush, literally, the alcohol right out of your system. (Unless smoking PCP is your thing, then by all means).
Went hog wild? Hit the hog… Bacon, egg and cheese on a roll. It may not be Kosher but lining your stomach with fat and grease goes along way towards recovery.
What up G? Gatorade is booze aid for your fucked up body’s worst.
Hit the drugs… HARD, with the B vitamins and some C. Berocca isn’t FDA approved but you can smuggle it in or go for some weak knock-off like Emergen-C.
Go retro with coffee an asprin. The stomach churning side effects might projectile you right to #3… Going retro is typically best saved for after the Bacon, egg and cheese.
Fuck it off. If you’re lucky… get lucky. Alternatives include exercising, getting in a fight on the subway, or falling down the stairs.
Keep it in the closet. Sure you have to be at work but once you’ve put in some (green) face time hit the nearest janitor closet. There’s no better place to sleep at the office and no one will find you there… Except maybe the janitor. Give him a twenty and tell him to turn off the light.
Throw it all away. Well, throw it all up. It’s nasty business but should make you feel better right quick. Just try not to do it while your working on #5.
Fight fire with fire and stay drunk. Drink more gin, whiskey, vodka, beer, tequila or whatever it was that wrecked your shit. You’ll eventually have to face the hangover, unless you stay drunk forever. Hmmm….
Make some tracks. Call your doctor friend and have her hook you up with an IV bag. Not for the squeamish but if you can weasel your way past those pesky doctor’s ethics definitely go for the quick fix.
Too wild? Here is some different (but the same) cure advice:
10 best hangover cures I could find (via http://markosun.wordpress.com )
Hangovers are a horrid part of existence. They make you question your sanity as to why you indulged in that debauchery the night before. But as social animals many people use booze, beer, liquor or any other type of alcoholic drink to let loose and relieve the stress.
That is the strange part about drinking. You basically go from sweet ecstasy to the pits of hell in a 12 hour period. The intermediate part is a deep comatose like sleep. But when that alarm goes off in the morning the brain and body will let you know you acted very badly the night before. And you will pay with great suffering. Especially if you have to get into work.
Easy tasks become confounding stress filled predicaments. When you speak to co-workers you call them by the wrong names. And the constant rush to the water cooler to fill the bottle up, which in turn leads to constant trips to the can. And your work performance diminishes to that of an intelligent chimp. The constant self-loathing, mumbling rabid insults about your own stupidity to yourself.
So we conclude that we will never do that again. Until the emails start that the gang wants to get together to watch a big hockey game. And the sauce will be flowing hard again.
Here are some possible cures:
Sleep. Rest is your best friend at this point to give your body a recover. It is best to stay in bed so call in to work if you have to, tell them you have the stomach flu. You will sound so horrible on the phone they may believe you (unless they saw you at the bar, not a good idea then).
Replenish your body with fruit juice and water.
Avoid caffeine. A weak cup of coffee may be okay but a lot of caffeine will continue to dehydrate you, the opposite of what you want right now.
Drink orange juice for Vitamin C.
Drink a sports drink like Gatorade or Powerade.
Eat mineral rich food like pickles or canned fish.
In Poland, drinking pickle juice is a common remedy.
Drink a Bloody Mary. While the popular phrase “hair of the dog that bit you” may sound logical with a shot of whiskey left in the bottle next to your bed, it’s only temporary. Try a Bloody Mary instead, while your blood is dealing with the new alcohol it is ignoring the old and in the mean time tomato juice and celery are full of vitamins. If you drank the last of the vodka make a Virgin Mary. Another spicy morning after drink option is Hair of the Dog, in which gin and hot sauce are sure to bite your hangover back.
Take a shower, switching between cold and hot water.
In Ireland it was said that the cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand.
All the best to everyone, everywhere! (Except the bad guys. They know who they are.)
Joe (Sanguine) Mekanic
p.s. My last chance for a 2011 political dig. (Thank you, Mr. Brandon……) Heeeeere’s Michael!